Merry Christmas!!

I had a very Merry Christmas in Thailand! I taught my students Jingle Bells, and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. We decorated a wall of the class room with paper snow flakes, I had a white Christmas!

The spirit of Christmas can be anywhere if you have the right attitude, and I am grateful for the fun I had with my students and their excitment to celebrate the holiday with me.

I am on my way to the bus station right now to spend a few days at the beach and then ring in the New Year in Bangkok. I am looking forward to swimming in the ocean and playing in the sand. I also cannot wait to find a pizza in Bangkok and see a movie! I wish you all a happy New Year and will post again when I get back next year!!! Happy Holidays...

"No Worry"

My roommate is getting married. This should be happy news, it should be cause for celebration, but I find myself yet again trying to accept a cultural difference that makes me upset. Pe Pom is not marrying for love, because “love no eat.” She is marrying a man who was able to give her family enough money for her hand in marriage that they can now buy a farm. Pe Pom says,

“No love him. He old man, ugly. I love mother, I love money."

I find myself biting my tongue and nodding, saying I understand. Everything inside me wants to tell her she does not have to do this, everything I learned in “Women’s Studies” in college runs through my mind and I fight the urge to spout American feminism to her, the urge to tell her to assert her independence and self worth. It’s hard to remember that she accepts this as normal; this is what is expected of her and what she expects of herself. While her marriage may seem shocking to me, it is normal to her. When I try to explain to her that in America this does not happen she simply says,

“America no poor. All rich.”

I have given up arguing with this statement, for though every American may not be rich in monetary ways we are all rich in other ways I am only just now beginning to understand, and used to take for granted. To Pe Pom the idea that people in America would not get married if they did not love one another is just as shocking as her marriage is to me. I ask if she is nervous or frightened about her pending nuptials and she simply says,

“I know worry”.

This is the Thai motto. I am constantly told to “no worry”, to accept what is happening and trust that things will be as they should, and that the act of smiling through fear, angry, sadness and confusion helps to diffuse any situation. So I take a deep breath, wish her happiness, give her a big smile and “no worry” anymore.

The little things..

It’s the little things that make you realize you feel at home that are the most important while living abroad. Its not the big trips or wild adventures that matter most but the small moments that make you smile and bridge the culture you are from to the culture you now live in.

Last week I allowed students to play with and braid my hair. It sounds like nothing, but this simple act, this girly activity, finally connected me to the students I spend everyday with. Letting them brush and braid my hair made me somehow more real to them, less scary and intimidating. Plus it was comforting to me as anyone who knows me knows that having my head “petted” is my number one comfort. After finishing my French braid the students stayed gathered around me to talk and giggle. They tried harder to communicate with me than they ever had and followed me around for the rest of the afternoon. Everyday after classes students now come to talk to me, they sit near me during extracurricular activities and run to help me when I am carrying my things to school, greeting me in English with smiles and waves. Students now approach me without the shyness and fear they previously had. They now take the time to communicate with me, to learn new words and phrases while we are not even in class. If I had known that letting them play with my hair would have had such a dramatic effect I would have done it weeks ago!

I also introduced my roommates to American music the other night as well. I plugged my I-pod into its speaker and danced and sang to music while helping to prepare dinner. Before I knew it my two female roommates were dancing along with me and we were having a full blown dance party. We laughed and sang together, and made up silly dance moves. The atmosphere of my house completely changed and we had the most carefree and fun evening I have had thus far in my new home with my roommates. Plus they gave me the greatest compliment of all, they said I danced like Michael Jackson!

It was important for me to realize that I can implement parts of my culture into my home. I do not have to completely ignore the parts of American culture that make me feel comforted and happy, I can bring them into my new life here as well. It’s this act of sharing and learning from one another that makes each day exciting and new and connects me to my new Thai friends and students. It just took me a little time to see that I had to look at all the differences as possibilities to connect rather than reasons to be separate.

Elephants, Girl Scouts and Turkey

It has been an exciting ten days! On November 20th the other volunteers and I headed to Surin, a city on the border of Cambodia, for the annual Elephant Roundup. It was amazing! One of our former Thai language teachers and her friend came along with us to act as guides. We headed down Friday after school and arrived at about 10pm. We met another former teacher at Surin where we stayed in one of the dirtiest hotels I have ever seen in my life. The sheets and towels were stained, there was a used prophylactic in one room, holes in the ceilings and mysterious scuttling noises through out the night. Yet the next morning we headed to the "Elephant Show" and all the misery of the previous night melted away and seemed a fair price to pay for such an amazing experience.

Upon arriving at the stadium we found our seats and then wandered around the many vendors. A few of us went to the "back stage area" where we met some of the elephants! It was the highlight of my trip to Thailand thus far. I received a hug and a kiss from an elephant!

me getting an elephant hug!

Me getting kissed by an elephant

Elephant kiss evidence!

After that we headed back into the stadium to watch the elephants preform. They were amazing and very talented. They painted, played darts, danced, played a game of soccer and re-enacted epic battles. They even played tug-of -war with a few lucky people (one of whom was me!!!) It was a magical day and I loved every minute of it.

This past week I finally received my girl scout uniform! Its pretty funny...it is complete with all the trimmings: beret, green socks, scarf and epaulets.

this is how a scout salutes

Me with some other teachers...or should I say scouts!

It was hilarious to wear the uniform all day. They students really seemed to like it and kept telling me how pretty I looked which always made me laugh. I think it was just fun for them to see me in something that is so familiar to them . When I first put on the outfit my roommates yelled "Not fat!" so I think they were surprised that such a big scout uniform could look nice.

This past weekend I celebrated Thanksgiving with my fellow volunteers. We even managed to find a turkey. (OK my Field Director found the turkey, God bless her!) It really felt like a holiday, even if we did eat our feast on mats on the floor. We had turkey, mashed potatoes, salad, green bean casserole, french bread, stuffing (it was a creative effort) and cake. It was a very fun evening and being together really made it seem like the real thing though we celebrated a few days late. It is wonderful how close we all are and how much I value the time we spend together, they truly are my family here and it is them I feel most thankful for. This experience would not be the same with out their companionship and support.

Off to start another week of teaching and adventure, see you next post!

Another Update...Finally!

Again, I am sorry that it took me so long to put up a post! Internet works rarely where I live, I am lucky if I have it for an hour everyday. However, that is no excuse and I will do my best to write AT LEAST once a week.

I am settling into my routine and finally beginning to feel like a real teacher. I no longer feel so shocked at my surroundings or the things going on around me, though I have to say it does feel as though I have been in Thailand longer than a month and a half. I now think of my house and bedroom as home and am learning to handle my isolation from the other volunteers quite well. I don’t even think twice about bucket showers anymore and am getting the hang of doing my laundry mostly by hand. I love going to the local market with my new Thai friends to pick out dinner and see students and their families. I am usually driven around in the “school bus” which is a pick up truck with a cage around the back with two benches along the side, its pretty funny. I have been on a motorci (what they call a scooter) twice but they think I am too big to ride on the back…

I consider the other teachers at the school my family, everyone calls me Nong Sao (younger sister) and I am always cared for. Every day after school the teachers all mingle around the teacher housing cooking, eating, talking, singing and playing the Thai version of Bocce Ball, Pah Dong. The other evening we all went out to dinner and had a lovely time and laughed for hours. Last week they took me to Karaoke in a small hole in the wall bar in the local village, however I was unable to join in because I cannot read Thai! So instead they insisted I dance and taught me some more Thai dance steps. Every Thursday after the students leave all the teachers get together and have a sports day, we play soccer and more pah dong and basket ball, it is very fun and extremely entertaining, no one is particularly gifted in sports!

In the Thai schools there are certain days that you must wear very specific things. On Monday the teachers wear their teacher uniforms (the look almost like military uniforms) and the students wear a school uniform of white oxford shirts and blue shorts or skirts. On Tuesday everyone wears a pink shirt in honor of the King of Thailand. On Wednesday everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, wears a Thai Boy Scout or Girl Scout uniform. Here everyone must participate in the scouting program; it does not seem to be an option like in the U.S. On Thursday teachers wear shirts from whichever province they are from, I wear a Nakhon Phanom shirt, and Fridays people can choose what to wear.

It has been pretty interesting figuring it all out. Last week I was given a special pink polo shirt to wear on Tuesday’s and I was measured for my very own scout uniform for Wednesdays! I was measured in front of all the other teachers (the tailor would then yell out the measurements for his assistant to write down…very embarrassing!) and afterwards the other teachers said to me “Big Scout!”, but I had to laugh at it. I think it is funny that they want me to be included in the Scout Day, they felt badly that I was the only person not in uniform and they did not want me to feel left out. One less day to stare in my wardrobe wondering what to wear and it will be an instant Halloween costume for years to come, plus its custom made!

I am starting my third week of teaching and it is going slowly but well. I have had a few problems with fellow teachers, from witnessing some corporal punishment to them telling me that a class is “problematic because they are stupid.” Yet I love the students! I can tell they want to learn, they are just scared. I am trying to work on getting them comfortable speaking but it is like pulling teeth! Last week I did a listening activity in my upper level classes to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” and it was a hit. I printed out the lyrics and then pulled a few words out so that students had to listen to fill in the blanks. They loved the song, and come into my office often to tell me “Teacher! Enjoy song Dancing Queen, sing?” I give them the song to listen to and they stand in the hallway with my Ipod and speaker and pull out the lyrics and sing along, it is awesome and hiliarious and always makes me think of family vacations where Dad would play ABBA all the time…

I am still getting used to many aspects of being a teacher here, it is so different than the US! Students line up every morning for the raising of the flag and teachers walk down the line checking student's fingernails and hair. If they think a student's hair is too long they cut the student's hair, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. The student is forced to allow the teacher to chop their hair, which usually comes out patchy and uneven and is obviously very embarrassing to the students. Teachers also use the students to do everything! Students carry teacher's lunches from the school building to the canteen, carry bags, and even do all the dishes and other cleaning that needs to be done. No janitors here, all students! I just keep reminding myself that it is just cultural differences...on the plus side students are very respectful, they always offer to help you, never talk back, and always greet you with some sign of respect.

This coming weeked of November 20^th the other volunteers and I are headed to the town of Surin, boardering Cambodia, for the “Elephant Roundup”, and I am so excited! It will be an amazing once in a life time experience, trainers and their elephants come from all over to show off their skills, there is even a morning when the elephants serve breakfast. Elephants will also be painting pictures and t-shirts, and I am hoping I get the opportunity to ride one!

Real World Thailand

Sorry it has been so long, life has been moving at an incredible pace. Orientation finished this past Saturday and Sunday the 1^st of November we all moved to our teaching sites. I am now a proud resident of Wang Ga Sae High School, and am working on settling in the best I can. I live with three other Thai teachers, two of whom are married, and they are very sweet and take very good care of me. My roommates already call me their sister and go out of their way to make me feel at home. We communicate through a variety of hand motions, smiles and limited words in both Thai and English, yet somehow it works! Every night at dinner we point to things and they teach me how to say it in Thai, and then I teach them in English.

I feel like a child all over again, I am re-learning how to do almost everything. Besides learning to communicate again I am learning to live with a squat toilet, my legs will be AMAZING after this year! All the toilets are bucket flush, toilet paper is non-existent and you must wear special shoes in the bathroom…I am going to crack this toilet culture and write a book about it so that no foreigner will ever feel this confused again, there is so much to know! I also am taking bucket showers which are surprisingly nice, even if it is cold; it wakes me up much more than coffee. I am learning to adapt to roosters cock-a-doodle-doing outside my window at all hours, though it is a hard noise to ignore! Cows are used as giant lawnmowers here, moving from place to place keeping the grass short, even the soccer fields!

I have been eating food that is very spicy but I am always told “No! Is not spicy!” so I am learning that that means “very spicy for foreigner, delicious for Thai”. I have tried some of the dishes they say “Oh this spicy” and feel like I have burns on my tongue! Needless to say, bland food is not really an option here. Last night I had my most delicious treat yet since arriving in Thailand however, sweet potatoes cooked in sugar and then served in coconut milk, aroi mak ma! (Very delicious)

My students are all very sweet but VERY shy, trying to get them to speak to me is difficult; it will take a lot of work to get them comfortable with me. Thai’s, as a people, are very worried about “losing face” so I have been trying to teach the kids that it is OK to make mistakes, mostly I do this by to trying to speak to them in Thai, which always makes them laugh and come out of their shells enough try and speak the English words I am trying to teach. The English the students know is very limited and they are being taught from text books that are far too advanced, so it’s hard for me to figure out where to start with them so I am starting with the basics for everyone, worst comes to worst it is review for some. I try to be confident and enthusiastic at every turn to help them but it is exhausting! I am usually in bed by 9pm here. OK I must head to my next class, I will try to write more regularly now that I am settled and have a set schedule. I promise pictures with the next post too!

Boats rides and Dance Parties

Its been a pretty busy and fun week here in Nakhon Phanom. Thai classes are going well and I learn a little more each day, though I am still far from fluent!

This past Tuesday, Oct. 20th our principles came to lunch and we were able to find out our work schedules and ask any questions we may have. My principle brought along the two Thai English teachers I will be working with and after lunch they all took me to pick out some things for my room on campus. It was my first time out and about with our my group and it was really funny and frustrating all at once! (God bless my talking Thai/English dictionary...best purchase ever.) It took three seconds to pick out which color bed frame I wanted and then almost three hours until we finally left the store! I still don't really know what we were doing but my new Thai teaching buddies and I utilized the time wisely by having a funny photo shoot with silly furniture while waiting. Picking out a blanket for my bed was also a big issue...they kept saying all the ones they had were "too small" for me! Come on..I'm not that big! Eventually I left with a brand new bed and a big blanket, pretty sweet.

Me and my new friend/co-worker A

Wednesday Oct. 21 we finished our morning classes and headed to the Mekong "Underwater World" Aquarium. Which was very small but very entertaining. After the aquarium visit we headed to a fish pond to feed some fish which was pretty disgusting but also one of my new favorite activities, they are huge! The fish also form giant swarms in the water that look like something from a cheesy sci-fi movie, how can you not like that?

fish frenzy!

After the fish feeding we were dropped off at the river for our dinner cruise. (Bring your on Food) It was beautiful and really fun to have some semblance of a night out. We ate our picnic and watched the city of Nakhon Phanom and go by in one side and the hills of Laos on the other.

Our dinner boat

The hills of Laos

The highlight of the week however was this Thursday, Oct. 22. We went to Renu Nahkon, a villiage known for its pretty girls, to see a dance performance that a school had put together for us. The dancers were all ages from 8-70 and were amazing. They started with a welcome dance and followed with a Buddhist ceremony to offer us good luck and tie white strings for protection around our wrists. (I still have the strings on my wrist from my High School too so I am super protected now, which is never a bad idea.) Then they preformed a funny dance that was about "meeting a pretty girl" that involved a circle and men trying to entice women into the center of it with them to dance. Other men would jump in and it became the Thai version of a dance off. After the dance was finished they invited us up to dance! However, before we were allowed to perform we had to change into traditional dance costumes...no easy feat for a large hipped American girl let me tell you, but with the help of safety pins I made it into my dress. (They had to pin two belts together to get them around my hips, they sure thought that was funny!) We then lined up with our Thai dance partners and out on stage we went. No practice time allowed might I add, we just winged it. It was really, really fun and we all had a blast, even if we did look like fools and sweat an embarrassing amount. After the dance we were given a drink "to see the elephants". At first I was worried we were being given a hallucinogenic drink but quickly realized it was just rice whiskey. Sadly, no elephants appeared but it was still one of the most memorable days yet.

Me getting dressed in my costume

Me dancing

Just call me insect...

Oct.16th we had our TV appearance…and of course I embarrassed myself! Our interviewer asked me what my Thai nickname was and instead of pronouncing “Tootakaa” (which means doll) I said “Tutaka” and called myself an insect. Everyone laughed, the Thais especially. Luckily I was able to say some face by saying the name of my school right! Regardless, I have decided that TV is not for me and think I will refrain from anymore appearances…I am also hoping that no one recognizes me and shouts “Insect” at me in the streets!

Here I am calling myself an insect..awesome PR move

After our big TV interview we headed to That Phanom (another nearby province) to visit the Wat Phra That Phanom, a gorgeous and beautiful wat that is covered in gold and gems and much larger than any we have seen so far. We were greeted by a monk and then prayed and left offerings to ensure a good year.

Some pics of the Wat:

After touring the rest of the Wat we wondered around the market surrounding it. The market was really fun and colorful. There were stand selling cages of birds and bags of fish and eels to release for good karma. We stopped to use a rest room in the market that had an English sign that said “take shoes off please” with a sign in Thai written above it. However, once we were inside all the Thai women had their shoes on! (This was a bathroom that you really, really, did not want to be barefoot in!) We still can’t figure out if we were the victims of long standing joke of foreigners but I am leaning towards yes...

A stand in the market selling animals to free for good karma

Oct. 17th we went into town to get dinner at the night market. They had everything, it was increadibly hard to decide what to get. One day when I am feeling brave I will have to try the deep fried crickets, but last night I stuck to chicken and sticky rice.

The Night Market

Today, Oct. 18th, I had a Thai massage. It was an hour and a half long and only $10!!!! It was awesome, I think I am going to have to make it a regular occurrence…I was stretched and pulled and had my knots worked out and feel ready for our next day of fun. Tomorrow we are off to Muk Da Han, another province/city, to check out a Lao market and see the bridge to Laos.

Even though I am hot, sweaty, sleeping on the floor and have no flush toilets I cannot help but feel overwhelming gratitude everyday that I am here in Thailand. My fellow volunteers and I are already like a family, I have to say I will be very sad to be apart from all my new friends at the end of the month when we move to our schools. Our days are growing busier, we are now involved in our TEFL training and Thai lessons. I am hopeful that by the time I move to my school I will be able to communicate on a basic level. (I also bought a speaking Thai/English dictionary which has been a life saver!)

Oct. 14th we went to the town of Nawa to see some silk weavers and traditional Isan instruments being made. We travelled in a special van the district provided that included a Karaoke machine and most importantly AC! Sadly the Karaoke was all in Thai characters but we were able to watch the hilariously dramatic music videos that accompanied each one.
When we reached the village we were shown around a silk weaving factory, were the women were infatuated with our “farang” (foreigner) looks and wanted to take MANY, MANY, pictures with us. One woman kept hugging my friend Haley and touching her “phom” (hair), which is incredibly curly and thick.

After the silk weaving we moved on to the local Wat (temple) of Nawa which was absolutely

beautiful. The Wat also has a school so we were able see some novice monks though they hid from us and our cameras. The Wat was beautiful; I love the use of color everywhere.

After the Wat we went further into the village to watch Isan instruments being played and got to try them out ourselves!

When we returned back to our orientation headquarters I was went into the main house to do some work with a fellow volunteer, Alix on a TEFL presentation we had to give. While we were working Meaw (our hostess and wife of the man we are staying with for a month) began to scream, shout and point under the table we were working at. You know it’s a big bug if a local starts freaking out about it, there are bugs everywhere here and not many of them seem to bothers the Thais. Sure enough there was a HUGE stinging centipede running under our chairs and heading straight for our feet. We jumped up screaming and ran to the other end of the house while Meaw and the two other Thai girls who live in the house beat the centipede to death with brooms. Later that night while walking to the bathroom to wash our faces and brush our teeth my friend Patty and I came across another centipede and ran screaming through the yard back to our room. Needless to say our faces didn’t get washed and our host questioned us about all the screaming that went on that night…

Oct. 15th I took my first Tuk-tuk ride! While in town we needed to get to the hospital for a friend, Kaitlyn, to check and see if she could get more anti-malaria medication and were under a time constraint. As usual a Tuk-tuk pulled up beside us (at least 15 try to pick us up each time we go into the city) and this time we got in, six of us! (They’re are made to hold about four people) The Tuk-tuk was a little weighed down and held up traffic due to its inability to go faster than 15mph with all of us in it, people couldn’t help but stare at us all crammed into the little vehicle and I am sure we were the topic of many stories this evening as there were lots of fingers pointed at us and giggles directed at our clown car exit from the Tuk-tuk. I can't wait for the next adventure!

"Kind of a Big Deal"

This morning we got up early and headed into Nakhon Phanom to have breakfast with the Director of District One (the school district we are teaching in) and then to meet the Vice Governor. Yesterday on our trip into town we all purchased "Nakhon Phanom shirts", which are like Aloha shirts, that every resident wears on Tuesday. We were told it would make a good impression if we showed up wearing the local shirt so we did, piling out of our van in a rainbow of florescent orange, yellow, purple, blue and pink. We ate breakfast, listened to speeches (all in Thai ) and had quick conversations with our principles. Then we headed over to the Governor's office where we met with the Vice Governor (the Governor was in Bangkok participating in a seminar, though we are scheduled to meet him too) and listened to more speeches. Oh, we also learned we will be on TV on Friday...yeah that's right, we're kind of a "big deal"...

My New Reality

I have arrived in Thailand! It took three days to get here but I am finally here after months of preparation its nice to finally have it be my reality. We arrived on the morning of the 7th in Nahkon Phanom and I already feel quite at home. We spent the rest of the 7th resting and today (the 8th of Oct.) we began to tour our schools. My school held a luncheon and welcome ceremony for the entire group. I was given a beautiful wrist lei, a bouquet of flowers and a Thai good luck charm to help me through out the year. Students preformed traditional Isan music and dance and it was beautiful! I was able to meet the teachers who I will be working with and they were all very friendly and immediately welcomed me into their group, I already feel at home. After lunch and a lesson in making papaya salad the faculty of the school tied white string around our wrists to offer us protection, good luck and happiness during our time in Thailand.

After we complete our month of training I will move onto school ground on November 1st and begin my teaching. I will be living in a two bedroom house with another teacher at my school who happens to be from Laos. She was very friendly and funny and is looking forward to helping me learn Thai in exchange for me helping her with English. After my visit to my placement site I feel very relieved and so excited I can hardly stand it! It seemed the perfect place for me and I cannot wait to become an active member of their community. Above I posted the view from my school and below I have posted my home as of November 1st, some of the student dancers, and my delicous lunch!

So far living here is very easy, though I am sure that there will be many challenges during my year. The hardest things to get used to is carrying my own toilet paper with me at all times as it is not something that is provided for you. There also seems to be a shortage of sinks, which is something you don't miss until it is gone! Other than that my adjustment thus far has been fairly easy, though sleeping on a mat may take awhile to get used to, I have to say I am loving it here so far.

Here we go!

I have begun my journey. Today I leave for Thailand and as I write this post I am sitting in the Chicago airport waiting on my flight to LA. I am one giant mess of emotions, fear, excitement, nervousness, giddiness topped off with intermittent fits of tears and giggles...but mostly I feel relieved to finally be starting on my SE Asian adventure. This is sure to be an amazing year and I am very much looking forward to meeting the rest of my group in LA. Keep your fingers crossed for me that the journey goes smoothly and that I am able to sleep on the plane tonight!

God Winks

The universe has been taking the time to send little things my way to let me know that I have made the right decision. The largest of these "God Winks" (as my mother calls them) came in the form of two fellow travellers. I had dinner last night with a large group of people, many of whom I have not seen in years. Two of the guests, Josh and Angela, had recently returned from living in Laos and travelling throughout southeast Asia. They offered great advice and helped to calm my pre-departure anxiety. I learned that I should pack toilet paper as this "western luxury" is almost entirely non-existent in rural Thailand where I will be living. Then these two angels offered me their left over anti-malaria meds! Anyone who has been around me these past few weeks can attest to the fact that anti-malaria medication has been a source of stress and anxiety for me, those pills are expensive! In the end I had decided I would go the cheapest route but was not feeling great about my decision. I had originally planned on taking an antibiotic that doubles as a malaria deterrent and an acne medication with a long list of side effects including stomach issues and sensitivity to sunlight. Yet now, thanks to my guardian angels Josh and Angela, I am in possession of 6 months worth of Malarone, the best and side effect free anti malaria medication. Josh told me they had been about to throw them away but decided to wait just a little while longer to see if anyone would be able to use them, and low and behold there I was. So thank you Universe for sending them my way and for helping me to realize I truly am on the right path. Now I can sit back and enjoy my last few weeks here with the confidence that all is well and this is meant to be.

25 Days and Counting

I realized today that my time here in my comfort zone is running out. My adventure has already begun, I no longer have a place of my own and I have been living out of suitcases since August. All my immunizations have been completed, preparations are all nearly made yet I still can hardly grasp the idea that by this time next month I will be in Thailand, far away from friends and family and all that is familiar. The anticipation of my departure is the worst, I know that once I am there I will be fine and adapt quickly, its just this time of waiting that is the hardest. Have I made the right choice? Am I going to have friends? Will I be a good teacher? I know that the answer is yes to all the questions, but I cannot help asking them and turning them over in my mind.