Goodbye to Wonderland

The day has finally come...its time to leave Thailand. Its hard for me to grasp that the adventure of the past year is over, that my time in Wonderland has run out. I left Nakhon Phanom Wednesday evening, arriving in Bangkok thursday morning. Grief has been waiting around the corner while I wandered around the streets of Bangkok, surprising me and causing me to burst into tears over anything...the smell of incense from a temple, monks piled in a tuk-tuk, the Thai tea vendor who smiled at me, eating a bag of pineapple, the choking oder of chilies frying, the sound of papaya salad being pounded into submission in the pestle....the list could go on and on. Don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed to be heading back home, but I am also full of sadness over saying goodbye to the land of smiles.

Thailand has changed me. I am a different woman that the one I was a year ago and I am eternally grateful for all that Thailand has taught and shown me. A piece of my heart will always be in Thailand and I will yearn for the sights, smells, sounds and joy of it until I one day return. For now I look towards home and wonder what adventure will be next to come

My sister giving me one last hug at the bus station

I'll miss you Thailand!!

The In-between

After traveling through Vietnam (don't worry, eventually I will get around to posting the stories) returning to Thailand was like returning home. I found myself tearing up at the kindness of the Thais and feeling overwhelming gratitude for all the smiles I encountered.

Yet its not the same. I am not at my school, I am at the orientation site for the new volunteers and my volunteer group has returned home. I am no longer teaching my students and I am no longer living with my Thai family. While I am back to the area that feels like home it is in a capacity that is new and strange. I am surrounded by English speakers all day long and am helping the new volunteers to adjust to life in Thailand.

I feel a little like I am stuck in-between two worlds. I feel homesick for my old life in Thailand and also for America. Some days I feel like I cannot wait to go home, to start the next chapter of my life and begin to get over the heartache of saying goodbye to Thailand. Other days I feel an overwhelming anxiety that I have made the wrong decision, that I need to stay here, that there is no way I will be able to actually get on a plane and leave all this behind. I just need to keep moving...and get out of the in-between.